meg.will.die

Beauty smokes cigarettes and waits to die a quiet wasteful suicide. As people pass her grave it’s her soulful eyes they praise. Her lean legs they lust for. They sing for her all day. This used to make her smile, but she hasn’t done that in a while. She grows tired of their swooning and waits to pass away. For what is common never thrills. What isn’t your cannot fulfill. You live on borrowed time when you participate in the world’s pantomime.

Beauty smokes cigarettes and waits to die a taciturn suicide. She has her share of mourners. They bring flowers to her feet and beg her not to repeat the mistakes of those who went before, but she closes the door on them and tramples on the pedals and stems and screams she’s fine. She’d rather die alone maintaining the image of refusing pain and so her spirits wane. She has nothing to call her own.

Beauty smokes cigarettes and waits to die a well deserve suicide. Her pride will keep her prisoner. There will be no getting through to her. The deeper she sinks the more she thinks there is no other way. For when we justify our lives with that which is outside, we live the lie that everything is fine. We cry and wish to die a quiet wasteful suicide. 

If death were a girl

I’d fill every page

With sweet nothings to her

Despite her old age

 Oh, how your ashen face does grace this afternoon

Oh, how your shadowy hair does pare perfectly with the sky

Oh, how your gaunt fingers do linger on my arm

Come here darling, I’ll do you no harm

It’s just that charm you have my dear

When I know you’re very near

It excites me to invite you in

Even though I know it’s a sin

I greet every junky I see in the street

Tell them it’s nice to give into their vice

Just so I might meet you there

When the life leaves their vacant stares

I hang around down town listening for the shots of a gun

So I can run to the place where someone’s life is done

And catch a glimpse of your skirt as you sly away

I raced you to my mother’s death bed

Only to discover she was already dead

I don’t care to know the last words that she said

Because I missed my chance to kiss you

It’s that bliss that I chase, your arctic embrace

I make haste to lay waste to my life

I’m getting so desperate I might give into the knife

Just to see you one last time, love of mine

It’s your time to shine!

I’m going to take enough pills to kill me

There’s one down two down then a score more

It’s getting hard not to fall on the floor

I see you enter through my bed room door

And know my life is no more

You reach over to me but then draw away

I scream this is my day take me I pray

You shake your head and get up from my bed

I can’t hear what you said but I’m sure it’s pretty

Then all of a sudden I start to feel real shitty

Those pills spill from my gut all over my sheets

And that’s when you finally leave

This isn’t a welcome reprieve

You squeeze out through the half open door as I heave

Our love is no more

Because I’ve realized death is a whore

Who comes to call on everyone

She’s not special or beautiful or unique

Just something that might come in your sleep

It’s a cheap thrill to take those pills and wait for her kiss

In return for a life you’ll miss

You’ll absolve your identity

There will be no more you or me

And you’ll have to wait and see

What comes up next

Whether it be a blessing or a hex

It’s just not worth giving into her façade of relief

Stroking her hair or kissing her cheek

Because you can never be sure where she’ll take you

Then leave

I’m free. 
You don’t have to pay me baby. 
Freud says I’m crazy and I say you’re just too sane. 
Party girl party party. 
Stop stop stop stop you’ll scare them away.
What do they want from you?
Are you crazy, baby? 
Dance dance dance dance me away. 
Pretend for me. 
Pretend for them. 
Pretend the night away. 
Who are you anymore?
Are you too much for anyone to handle?
Too much? 
Too often?
 Too soon? 
Stop stop stop they’ll think you’re crazy.
They’ll love you in a few days, 
Enlightened though they are. 
Give them that time.
Or they’ll love you now,
Then forget you.
You’re too much. 
You say too much nervously,
You’re like a tube of toothpaste squeezed out too fast. 
Do they want inside of you? 
Do they want to see?
You’re like that girl in the movies,
The one no one wants to be. 
Beautifully decrepit.
Broken, yet free. 
You’re like that girl in the movies,
No one wants to be.

I will avenge you oh great lurching beast

Heroically fallen close to home

And rescued by the girls who could at least

Bring your limp body to its final tomb

You could no longer carry your great load

I asked too much of you this final day

Your shoulders crumble and your heart explodes

I wish it could end a different way

But in your next life you will be quite blest

Your heart will pump again that healthy blood

Now sure to venture on a brazen quest

With strong shoulders under your worthy hood

Though you leave me now you will return

Trust and honor have you forever earned

Don’t pretend 

You’re anything

But an ant 

In the end 

Flying through space

In this rat race

Trying to put down

All the other clowns

Man that’s no plan

Let things flow

Go where they go

Don’t force it so 

You might not like

This unsolicited advice

But don’t be duplicitous 

Just to get your vice

You’ll pay the price

No one will be nice

Enough to show up 

To your shows 

Then you’ll know

I was right 

So don’t fight it

Put your tongue 

In your mouth

And bight it

The longer 

You struggle

The more enmeshed 

You’ll be

How do I know?

It happened to me!

Before I stopped trying 

To untangle this knot

Be thankful for

What you’ve got

Admire it’s turns

Soon you’ll learn

To slip out of it gracefully

And onto the next puzzle

Trip or quest

Which I’m sure

you’ll conquer with zest

Lines divided my life into sections like the patterns on my hands telling only bad fortunes and I was the palm reader fixated on temporary bliss the carving out of my soul with this scalpel the denial of something I couldn’t quite put my finger on as I watched the lines tell stories of fulfillment just beyond my grasp if I only had more if I only had more if I only had more I could fly forever never too close to the sun my wax wouldn’t melt the feathers would not fall from my fake wings I would not make that mistake but when I saw the kind doctor as my wings did fail he told me he’d give me more love than I could give myself as he plunged the needle into my already plumb-like arm and told me he could not save my life he told me I was chasing something fake something dangerous and ugly something empty and worthless but he said I was not worthless I meant something to him though he didn’t know my name and had to glance down at the chart before he addressed me he ran his fingers across the rotting snake of my veins he said he could not save my life I told him I knew I told him I knew 

Ashes on my forehead

Memories of the chapel

Filled with judgment

And fake wine

The body, the blood

The weeping mother

So familiar to me now

I take communion

Though I don’t believe

I’m not sure I know how

I just bow my head

And mumble something

I’ve said a thousand times

But don’t understand

A hypocrite’s commandment 

A remnant of the voice of ages

Decaying in stages

Until it’s gone

My pastor, oh my pastor

I can hear your laughter

Behind your eyelids

There is only evil

We all make mistakes

But when we repeat them

It takes part of our soul

Your mistress became your wife

Your mistress became your wife

It happened twice

How can you tell me Jesus will forgive

When you don’t even know how to live?

Don’t preach when it’s your own heart you can’t reach

And your underlings rant and calculate their sins

In a system like this no one wins

This is how it begins to spin out of control

When you roll the dice and the game is fixed.

Give power to those who devour it greedily

And you will see the true face of the devil

He’s not in hell, he’s standing behind the pulpit. 

Please just please just take me away

to somewhere I can dance again

before all this shit began

before I knew what I know now

And don’t know how to forget

There are a lot of things I regret

But none more than this

Just take me back to dancing bliss

Before I kissed that boy

Before I looked into his eyes

that remind so much of yours

I guess I remembered your kindness

your love’s innocent blindness

Before I caressed his brow

Before then became now

I just don’t know how to tell him

I know where to begin

But I don’t want to know where it’ll end

So please just please just take me away

to somewhere I can dance again

So I can just pretend

Until the end of time

That he’ll still be mine.

I know you’re the artistic type

So maybe we can get fucked up and write

Yeah that’s right I think it’d be tight

If we’re so drunk we can barely type

Or maybe we can take some Adderall

And make our pupils really small

So be a doll and pass me that drink

Without it I can barely think

I take gulp and you know what?

Those weird ideas start to bubble up

But wait a minute I need to throw up

I’ll just wipe it up with my short story

Without the guts you don’t get glory

So forgive me if I pour myself a little more

I’m not an alcoholic I’m just chronically lazy

I only write when I’m a little hazy

And steel the ideas the booze just gave me

Because when you’re drink you say whatever

In the morning it probably won’t be clever

But I need an excuse for substance abuse

So let’s drink in the name of art

Even as I rip my poem apart

For being a piece of shit

After another sip I’ll get over it

I guess I’m not the bessst when I get depressssed

Another shot! I’m to stresssssseeeedd

Yes I’m blesssssed at your behesssst

To get you right undressssed

I’m a messss but so are you

There are a lot of naughty things we can do

So put down your pen and take off your clothing

No one ever regrets scoring in the morning

After sex we can read each other’s work

If my is better don’t think I’m a jerk

Don’t you say I need AA

Just stay the day and do it my way

I’ve got the notion that this potion

Will set my lagging mind in motion

So skip the lecture

I can do better

If I don’t pass out

I’ll without a doubt

Win a prize for this reprise

And finally gain worth in my own eyes. 

What they tell you in rehab isn’t a lie

when you get off drugs you want to die

Shakes and withdraws all that bullshit

but eventually you move through it

Now that you’ve made up your mind

To give into the daily grind

Though lady ecstasy is kind

Please keep in mind

That life sucks sometimes

And I didn’t just say that because it rhymes

You’ll have to do things you don’t want to

Your guilty conscience will probably haunt you

Demons will taunt you from the edge of the room

Reminding you how much shit you’ve consumed

And what you’ve put your body through.

But all this torture is due

You have avoided your problems

In a number of ways

Drunken blurs have lasted days

You’ve taken people like you’ve taken pills

Whether good or bad or mentally ill

You had to get your fill

Of what they could provide

Some cash, a connect, and maybe a ride.

You learned to abide by all this madness.

You even miss it in your sadness

But after you off the roller-coaster

of upper and downers

What you’ll notice most is

Your life gets more complicated

You’ll be confused and weird gated

As you get back your legs

From this jolting ride

Of ups and downs and side to sides

Of xanex lows and cocaine highs

Believe you’ll want to die

But just remember, you can get by.

Just little by little.

Give it a try.